Humor
Here’s a random collection of stuff that I’ve found funny enough to keep. Most of it comes from e-mails, so I have no idea where most of it originally came from.
REASONS WHY MEN ARE (JUSTIFIABLY) PROUD OF THEMSELVES!!
1. We know stuff about tanks
2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase
3. We can open all our own jars
4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group
5. We don’t have to learn to spell a new last name
6. We can leave a motel bed unmade
7. We can kill our own food
8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
9. Wedding plans take care of themselves
10. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend
11. Underwear is just $10 a three-pack
12. If you are 34 and single nobody notices
13. Everything on our faces stays the original color
14. Three pair of shoes are more than enough
15. We don’t have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming
16. Car mechanics tell us the truth
17. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking “He mustbe mad at me.”
18. Same work-more pay
19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character
20. We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift
21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends
22. Your pals will never trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”
23. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors
24. We almost never have a “strap problem” in public
25. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes
26. The same hairstyle lasts for years–maybe decades
27. We don’t have to shave below the neck
28. A few belches are expected and tolerated
29. Our belly usually hides our big hips
30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons
31. We can do our nails with a pocketknife
32. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache
33 Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes
Yogi Berra Malapropisms
Here are some malapropisms from the legendary quote master Yogi Berra. After reading these, you’ll be more than convinced that he knew how to laugh at himself.
“Baseball is 90 percent mental; the other half is physical.”
When watching a Steve McQueen movie on TV: “He must have made that before he died.”
“If people don’t want to come out to the ball park, nobody’s gonna stop ‘em.”
“A nickel isn’t worth a dime anymore.”
“The future ain’t what it used to be.”
“There’s nothing like a home opener, whether it’s at home or on the road.”
“You can observe a lot just by watchin’.”
“Always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise, they won’t go to yours.”
“Never answer an anonymous letter.”
“Mantle can hit just as good right-handed as he can left-handed. He’s just naturally amphibious.”
“When you come to the fork in the road, take it.”
After a poor game: “I think they just got through marinating the greens.”
“We made too many wrong mistakes.”
“It’s daja vu all over again.”
When asked what time it is: “Do you mean now?”
“I usually take a two hour nap from one to four.”
Testifying before a grand jury about a New York Yankees’ brawl in a nightclub: “Nobody did nothin’ to nobody.”
“I am going to buy a Volkswagen or a foreign car.”
New York Mayor Lindsay’s wife, on a hot day: “You look nice and cool, Yogi.” Yogi: “You don’t look so hot yourself.”
For a spring training drill, Yogi instructed his players to “Pair off in threes.”
Reporter: “What would you do if you found a million dollars?” Yogi: “If the guy was poor, I would give it back.”
After a waitress asked if Yogi wanted his pizza cut into four or eight slices: “Four, I don’t think I can eat eight.”
Yogi used to work with the Yoo-Hoo soft drink company. A woman once called and asked if Yoo-Hoo was hyphenated. Yogi said, “No, ma’am, it’s not even carbonated.”
After attending an opera, Yogi mentioned that he liked it, and added, “Even the music was nice.”
“I never really said all those things I said.”
Yogi’s son, Dale: “The similarities between me and my father are different.”
And his most famous quote of all. ..”It ain’t over till it’s over.”
Stupid Instructions
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (and that would be how??…)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (but, it’s “just” a suggestion.)
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): “Do not turn upside down.” (well…duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.” (…and you thought????…)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.” (but wouldn’t this save me more time?)
On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine:”Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (and… I’m taking this because???….)
On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.” (as opposed to…what?)
On Sunsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts.” (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: maybe, uh…fly Delta?)
On a child’s superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” (I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it the “other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.
DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX:
It was an historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but also will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook & Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken”? Could you define “chicken” please?
GEORGE W. BUSH:
I don’t think I should have to answer that question.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?
All Your Base
Just one example of the Engrish phenomena. This one was popular a couple years ago. It’s from a Genesis game called Zero Wing.
In AD 2101
War was beginning.
Captain: What happen?
Mechanic: Somebody set up us the bomb.
Operator: We get signal.
Captain: What!
Operator: Main screen turn on.
Captain: It’s You!!
Cats: How are you gentlemen!!
Cats: All your base are belong to us.
Cats: You are on the way to destruction.
Captain: What you say!!
Cats: You have no chance to survive make your time.
Cats: Ha ha ha ha…
Captain: Take off every ‘zig’!!
Captain: You know what you doing.
Captain: Move ‘zig’.
Captain: For great justice.
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He
took his faithful pet dachshund along for company.
One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and
before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of
having lunch. The dachshund thinks, “OK, I’m in deep
trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the
ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew
on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just
as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund
exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I
wonder if there are any more around here?” Hearing this,
the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a
look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into
the trees. “Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close.
That dachshund nearly had me.”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole
scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge
to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading
after the leopard with great speed, and figured that
something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills
the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and
says,”Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s
going to happen to that conniving canine.”
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the
monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do
now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with
his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them
yet… and just when they get close enough to hear, the
dachshund says, “Where’s that darn monkey? I sent him off
half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”
You Know You Live in a Small Town When…
~Third Street is on the edge of town.
~You don’t use your turn signals because everyone knows where
you are going.
~A baby born on June 14 receives gifts from local merchants as
the first baby of the year.
~You speak to each dog you pass by name and he wags his tail
at you.
~You drive into the ditch five miles out of town and the word
gets back before you do.
~You dial a wrong number and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
~You can’t walk for exercise because every car that passes
you offers you a ride.
~You miss a Sunday at church and receive a get-well card.
~Someone asks you how you feel and listens to what you say.
A mechanic, an electrician, a chemist, and a computer guy were driving on the highway when their car broke down.The mechanic said, “I think a rod broke.”
The chemist said, “There’s no combustion so it’s not getting enough gas.”
The electrician said, “I think something’s wrong with the electrical system.”
The computer guy said, “I think we should all get out and then get back in.”
(A)The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It’s speaking English that kills you.
INTERNET TWELVE-STEP!
12-Step Internet Recovery Program:
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper
like I used to, before the Internet.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand
typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan
dinner before even thinking of the Internet.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends
and family that are Internet-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the
Internet.
7) I will read a book…if I still remember how.
I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them
to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is
necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance
my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed
sometime … and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!
What my Mother taught me…
…TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside — I just
finished cleaning!”
…RELIGION:
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
..about TIME TRAVEL:
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the
middle of next week!”
…LOGIC:
“Because I said so, that’s why!”
…FORESIGHT:
“Be sure you wear clean underwear in case you’re in an
accident.”
…IRONY:
“Keep laughing and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
…about OSMOSIS:
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”
…about CONTORTIONISM:
“Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”
…about STAMINA:
“You’ll sit there ’til all that spinach is finished.”
…about WEATHER:
“It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”
…how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
“If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would
you listen then?”
…about HYPOCRISY:
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times — don’t
exaggerate!!!”
…THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
…about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION:
“Stop acting like your father!”
…about ENVY:
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”
Richard Ankrom, 46, an artist in Los Angeles, Calif.,
planned his latest masterpiece, a combination paint and performance
work, for two years: he altered a major road sign on the Harbor Freeway
in downtown. He put up his work in broad daylight, but was unnoticed
because he was dressed as a road worker. The audience: 150,000
motorists per day. The payoff: no one noticed, not even state
transportation engineers. The plan was to announce the project a year
later, but a friend tipped off the press after 9 months. The
modification, done to exact Federal Highway Administration
specifications, helps motorists navigate a complicated transition
ahead. “The experts are saying that Mr. Ankrom did a fantastic job,”
said a Caltrans spokeswoman. “They thought it was an internal job.” The
agency plans to leave the modification in place, since it is in fact
helpful to motorists. Ankrom says helping out motorists “was the whole
point.” (Los Angeles Times)
STRAY THOUGHTS
Every teenager should get a high school education.
Even if they already know everything. ~~~
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.” ~~~
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying In hospitals dying of nothing. ~~~
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. ~~~
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to. ~~~
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. ~~~
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. ~~~
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut save you thirty cents? ~~~
I’m not 40-something. I’m $39.95, plus shipping a! nd handling. ~~~
In the 60’s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. ~~~
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
~~~
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? ~~~
Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, “I wish you’d come to me sooner.” ~~~
You read about all these terrorists, most of them Came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
SOME OLD…..SOME NEW…..STILL GOOD!
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and
problems, known as “squawks,” submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solution
recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline
that has never had a fatal accident.
P {in list below means} The problem logged by the pilot.
S {in the list below means} The solution and action taken by the
engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack
normal
seepage.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspect crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
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